04 5 / 2013
About a week ago, I had to explain to my mother that I love her no matter what. I knew it would take effort to convince her of this, so I wrote her a long message on Facebook. Just expressing to her that I understand the depth of her hurt and how she only knows how to beat herself up because that is all she received as a child. That I forgive her for her mistakes, I love her for who she is, and I will never judge or criticize her. I told her how much I love seeing her spend time with her grandbabies and I wish she could see how much she has to live for. I know how strong she is, as she showed me how to endure. She wrote me back and said she had tears in her eyes because of what I wrote. I was able to touch her heart. Amen
I always pray for God to touch other’s hearts but, didn’t realize until tonight that I have the ability to touch hearts with expressing my words of love, encouragement, my own self-defeat, and my tiny victory’s.
03 5 / 2013
Today I had a long and honest talk with an old friend and she was the last person I ever thought I would be having this talk with. I have had very a significant problem, that has been going on for 2 years. These past 6 months, I have known it to be something that needed to be dealt with, I have been shutting my mind to it. Up until this point, I have refused to really evaluate the situation and did not even fathom the realistic consequences. I wanted to frolic along and think “Everything is going to be fine”. But, to me that is the kind of thing you say when your running late for work and maybe forgot your suitcase or some shit like that. It’s not something you tell yourself in this situation and the fact that you just did means “YOU NEED HELP”. It has just been this snowball effect the whole way. It’s like this, “Oh, I just party every now and then, I’m young, wild, and free”. And I would tell anyone “Good for you, live a little”. But, it turns into “I only do it on the weekends”, “I only do it after a long hard day at work”, ” I only do it to sleep”, I only do it to wake up”, I do it right before I make my coffee, right before I shower, right before I do the dishes, right before I take a shit, and so on. It just gets so ridiculous, and you feel pathetic. Then your depressed, ah, so depressed. And You feel like a loser, and, well you are losing! You got your blinders on, got tunnel vision, it’s like mission impossible, on drugs.
The thing about life is you can always change your direction. You WILL need to have someone to turn to: who understands and won’t judge you too harshly or point out all your faults and remind you of your wrongs. Someone you can look straight in the eyes and listen with all your heart because you know without a shadow of doubt that this individual gives a shit, cares, and listens to you, even when you don’t speak, they LOVE you.
These past few months I had been telling everyone that being off and on my antidepressants had me in such bad shape. Saying that’s the reason I have been sleeping so much, not showering, not taking care of the house, not taking care of myself and honestly not putting much effort into loving and nurturing my #1 reason to be alive. The truth is I have become so entangled in this addiction, this sin, that I stopped caring about everything and it all went so quietly. One thing at a time and one after another and my spirit has been so hindered by this cloud that I’ve been afraid to look up. This old friend of mine, I always knew she was meant to be in my life. It’s funny because I remember wishing there was something I could do to help her and I use to pray for to God and ask Him to touch and work in her heart. So, today, when one of the most selfish and manipulative people I had ever met, walked through my door, with the most beautiful little boy and after witnessing how he lights her up, I knew that God had touched her heart. She’s blessed, so blessed. To be alive, to have her family, and to be healthy and to have the rest of her life to help others and I know she will save some lives. I truly feel that in my heart. I am so thankful to have her back in my life. I love you T,and you gave me my hope back.
“no matter where you are in life, you have so much to live for, you have hopes and dreams, and happiness is not unattainable.”
01 5 / 2013
I am possessive of my friends and family. Especially with my best friend “B”. The last few times I had gone over to her house to hangout, she was hanging out with this girl “A”. I try not to judge people too quickly but, this girl just had me feeling a certain kinda way, I just feel in my gut “I don’t trust her” and I just see her as a snake in the grass. I feel like she is the kind of chick that is your friend when it’s convenient and will act differently around her other friends. I don’t want to see my friend be taken advantage of or to get hurt. Is that so wrong?
30 4 / 2013
Be careful allowing other people to influence your way of thinking. When someone speaks awfully of your beliefs or something you stand for, SPEAK YOUR MIND, Do Not just nod in agreement or brush it off as if it’s acceptable to you. Speaking up effects your subconscious way of thinking, it supports your belief and gives you courage to stand up even taller for it. Brushing these situations off may cause you to begin to doubt your reasoning of why you hold it close to your heart. Most people don’t know what the hell their talking about when speaking hatefully of a race, religion, sexuality, etc.